


Disassociation

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Firefly RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-19
Updated: 2007-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:37:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1631948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are pieces, falling into your mind like leaves from a tree, and you put them together in silence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disassociation

**Author's Note:**

> Beta-ed by Ella.
> 
> Written for Van Donovan

 

 

He's come out about the two of you, a million times (no, not a million, but dozens, maybe a hundred), but no one takes him seriously, because he's always laughing, always joking, never being serious about anything. He could plaster explicit photographs of the two of you all over _Entertainment Tonight_ (is that show still on?) and people would laugh, tell him he did a great job in Photoshop.

Why does this, this come to your mind? You're not sure.

No one is laughing now.

Or maybe they are. You close your eyes for a minute and the noise drops out. There are pieces, falling into your mind like leaves from a tree, and you put them together in silence.

Joss. Joss, yelling something about overacting. Yelling something about how you were overacting. But he thought you were overacting in the _The Message_ , too, and your fans loved that. (Well, the ones who aren't insanely obsessive and weren't criticizing you for the lack of continuity. Both of them.)

Joss's mind is polluted, ruined from too many years watching David Boreanaz, from the school of Acting Means Never Having to Emote, Ever.

Joss is a moron.

Someone was calling 911.

No, scratch that. Someone was telling someone else to call 911.

You, messing up your line five times. But Summer botched the scene before this more times than you could count, so you didn't feel that bad.

Nathan, with you, in your dressing room, with his hand down your pants, while your cell phone was ringing, while someone was calling for him. Nathan, whispering, you, gasping, Nathan, laughing, always laughing.

No, that, that was before.

Something hurts.

Someone is screaming.

Someone is hurt and is screaming.

The stunt coordinator, she's screaming. (No, that's wrong.) She's here, explaining it to you. It's simple, she says, and this is how it works, she says, and you have to sit completely still, or you'll be beheaded, she says, but this is a joke, she says, you'll be fine, she says, and it's nothing, she says.

It's a joke.

Or maybe it wasn't.

But no, your head is still here. It is not there. You are not staring up at your decapitated corpse.

Nathan, Nathan is crying.

(Boys don't cry.)

Holding your hand, hold on, no, that's what he's saying, _hold on_ , and Joss is telling you that you're overacting, have you ever seen anyone die before, and the stunt coordinator swears that this is how it works, this is how it goes, and all you have to do is sit there, and he's holding your hand, and crying, but he's still smiling, still trying to convince you that everything is going to be okay.

Of course, it is. If you messed up the line, just go back, find your mark, start again. It's not like film is in short supply. Everyone is ahead of schedule. Everything will be fine. Craft services sucked, but -

_Why isn't anyone calling 911?!_

_We are, Gina, calm down!_

Gina is here, and Jewel is here, and Summer is here, and you don't understand why everyone is so upset. It's just a line. You won't scream so much next time. You'll get up, wipe this red stuff off your hand.

You need a wardrobe change. This is sticky and nasty and you're starting to think that maybe it's possible that something went wrong with the stunt.

But no, your head is still there. Here, you mean. It's here.

Nathan, licking your face on the red carpet, hugging you a bit too long on the red carpet, practically humping you on the red carpet, and everyone just laughing.

Nathan, holding your hand.

Nathan, smiling.

Nathan, laughing. Joking.

Hide in plain sight, didn't someone say that once?

"Next time, we just do it all CGI, okay? I'm getting too old for this."

Are you tired? All the sounds aren't there.

_He's talking. He's talking, Joss, isn't that good?_

Joss is a doctor, now?

You need a doctor, now?

There are leaves, falling. You are a leaf, falling.

Is this what dying feels like?

Who said anything about dying?

"Something went wrong, didn't it?"

Except that's what you try to say; it doesn't sound quite right, like you've had one too many, like at that karaoke bar where you were sure someone would recognize you, but you guess that's the benefit of being on a show that few people watched. You sung Celine Dion on a dare and made out in the corner, where the light wasn't so low that people couldn't see.

Was that the first time?

You just need a new costume. And someone, someone, line? A leaf, you know there are leaves.

You are falling.

 _Hey,_ he says, still crying, still smiling. Don't give up on us. Otherwise, we're going to have to replace you with a puppet. He did it to David, remember?

Remember.

_I don't work well with puppets._

Still smiling, still crying.

_Where is that fucking ambulance? Why isn't the fucking thing here by now?_

"Why is everyone yelling?"

It's still wrong, the words still come out wrong. You've forgotten how to talk.

The stunt coordinator said everything was fine. It was just going to come down like that, just sit still, we'll do the rest with CGI.

You're going to sue someone. Your shirt is ruined.

Except, it's not your shirt.

It only took a minute. Just a minute, for him to touch your face, just a minute for you to realize that he wasn't joking, just a minute before Summer burst in and you could have been caught.

There are red leaves, falling.

This, this is what it's like to die.

You are aware now.

Now, now is when you look down, and that's when your brain decides to go blind. You don't need to see this, apparently. You don't want to see this, apparently.

_Don't close your eyes._

You'll do what you want. He is not your wife, not your mother. He is nothing, really, just a ... a buddy. Buddy with benefits. He has no right. This, this is you, and you will decide what to -

(fin.)

 

 

 


End file.
